February 5, 2016

This probably isn't how you're supposed to use a Fibit


I got a Fitbit recently because I'm still trying to unshrink my clothes.

I thought having a new gadget that tracks steps would motivate me.

But, I'm pretty sure I'm doing it all wrong.

My goal is 10,000 steps every day.

One day, last week, I hadn't quite reached my goal yet, so I decided to walk around my block.


Only problem was, I was eating chips the entire time I was doing it.

At least I went 300 steps over my goal?

February 2, 2016

Mama + Sizes

This happened to me all the time when I was a child:

 "Um, Mama, I think these clothes
are a tad too big on me."



This happened the other day:

"Mama, I'm not this skinny."



My mom insisted her pants would fit me.

Is there a name for My Mom Has Never Been Able to Correctly Judge What Size I Am?

No?

Okay.

At least my mom is improving?

Why did I take her shopping with me again?

January 20, 2016

That Time My Mom Asked to Borrow My Underwear

I really need to stop telling stories about my mom.

Or, at least ask her permission before I share stories about her on the world wide web.

Maybe?

Okay, here's another story about my mom.

Late one night, I hear a knock on my door:



Do you have any new underwear?


What? Why?


I forgot to do laundry today 
and I ran out of underwear.


Um, Mama, I don't think you want 
to borrow my underwear.


Why?


Because this is all I have.


Maybe you want to go commando?


Which way is the front and which is the back?


The string goes between your butt cheeks.
Like butt floss.



The next morning, we had this exchange:

How did the underwear go?
Was it uncomfortable?


I woke up early today to do laundry.


I don't think my mom will be asking to borrow* my underwear again anytime soon.


*Took, my mom took my brand new thong, but borrow sounds...much better?