August 7, 2015

Stages of Sickness for Dumb People

A few weeks ago, I got really sick and probably should've gone to the doctor instead of googling all my symptoms to try and figure out what was ailing me, but I didn't, and instead, laid in bed hacking my lungs out, wondering if my cough was viral or bacterial or strep or the plague, or all of the above. You know, what normal lazy people do, right?

But, before I realized I was sick, I went through something that I'd like to call: Stages of Sickness for Dumb People. Does anyone else go through this when they get sick?


Wake up with a sore throat.

Oh, my throat hurts but I'm not sneezing 
or coughing or congested.
It's just a sore throat, I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.


The next day, wake up with a sore throat again.

But, I'm not worse.
I'll DEFINITELY be better by tomorrow.

A little later in the day, I venture outside.

Why is this hot weather attacking me?
Why's it so hot?
The weatherman was so wrong.

And, after walking around in Manhattan for a bit:

I feel lightheaded and woozy.
I must be dehydrated or hungry.
Let me go get something to eat.
Oooh, everything is spinning.
Must drink more water.


Getting home and crawling straight into bed.

I'm not woozy from hunger or dehydration,
I'm dizzy from fever and chills.
My bad.


Dammit, I'm sick. It's the summer, I can't be sick!
I'm not getting better by tomorrow, am I?


Two weeks later:

I have the plague.
It's taken over my body
and will infect everyone around me.
I am patient zero of the next zombie apocalypse.
Send heeeeeeeelp.

Or, I may have just watched one way too many zombie movies.

It took me a couple of days to figure out that I was sick and not just hungry or thirsty because in my mind, summers mean no colds or fevers or anything that has to do with being unwell. BECAUSE IT'S SUMMER. Summer's all about fun and play and happiness and the sun and all things good. Right? RIGHT? Who gets sick in the summer? Me. First time ever.

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